Unmothered Daughters

We love our mothers, hate our mother, are angry and hurt by our mothers and hunger for their approval. How do we learn to be the daughters to mothers who are needing mothers as well? Most of the time daughters go into power and control, try to be bigger than their mothers to feel powerful so we don’t feel how insecure and needy we are. Or we collapse and fall into self hatred because we feel rejected by our mothers, and reject ourselves if our mothers don’t approve of us. We want to get rid of our mothers, ignore our mothers and pretend what they say doesn’t bother us. Or we lash out, rebel, or caretake our mother’s unresolved childhood needs. We become sisters to our mother, friends and listen to their problems about their marriages, and their family of origin patterns with siblings and parents. Sometimes we collude with our fathers against the mother so we feel accepted. All the same, our mothers are our role models and if we reject them, we reject the feminine. This is the feminine shadow side; the critical mother, the collapsed mother, angry mother, the sister mother, the sacrificial mother, the care taker mother, the people pleaser mother, the wounded child mother. Then we have the universal archetypes. The Madonna, the Prostitute, The Virgin, The Goddess, The Greek Goddesses; Isis, Persephone, Artemis, Aphrodite, Athena, Hera, then there is The Savior, The Good Mother, The Bad Mother, etc…the mythological Divine Mother. There are many aspects to the feminine. It is important to explore what aspect of the woman is hidden and running your life. Our mothers embody who we are. When we can learn to accept our mothers we can learn to accept ourselves. That does not mean we don’t express to our mother, but learning to express from our need for our mothers, vulnerable and clear, we can begin to be daughters and grow into the mothers that allow our children to know the multifaceted qualities that deepen their understanding of themselves… life becomes more dimensional….

Mother Expression 1…In Black American culture, hair is extremely important. It is a sign of beauty and proves that one has assimilated successfully into White America. I bring this up because about a year and a half ago when I decided to cut my hair my mom flipped out and still continues to flip out and critique my hair every time she sees me. Over the phone she asks, “Is your hair growing? Did you cut it again?” When she says this, I feel sad and angry. Sad because it hurts my feelings. Angry because I think how long or short someone’s hair is doesn’t determine how pretty they are, I also get angry because for right now at least, I feel that my current hairstyle suits me better than the boring shoulder length hair I used to have, I get more compliments now on my hair than I did then. And maybe this is a little beside the point, but I am angry that she buys into that whole slave mentality bullshit propaganda.

The next time she asks about my hair I will say, “Mom I feel angry when you keep asking me if my hair is growing. I like the way it looks, it is healthy, which are the only things I am concerned about when it comes to my hair. I feel sad and hurt when you keep asking about the length of my hair because I feel that because it is short, I am not good enough or worthy enough as a person.” This week in general I have been feeling really angry. I am angry that I have such a cold, critical mother and that nothing I do is good enough for her. And I am really getting that trying to live my life just to please her only hurts me more, because I’m trying to be this imaginary perfect person and doing so just turns me into a numb robot. It hurts that nothing I do will be good enough for her. But at the same time, it is starting to give me the freedom to stop living for her and to start living for myself.

Mother Expression 2 I was thinking about conversations with my mom and the things that she says that bothers me. Something that came to mind, was the topic of dating. Over this summer, I went out on a date with someone, my mom called to ask me how it went. When she asked about what we talked about, she asked if the topic of family came up. Like how many brothers and sisters, what do they do, what do the parents do, etc. When I answered and told her the general information I had learned about the guy’s family, she immediately asked, “Oh, did you tell him that your sister is a lawyer? How did he respond to that? Did you tell what school she went to? How many kids she has? What law school she went to? Where she went for undergrad? Where she lives? Who she works for? That she is a partner in a major law firm?” When I told her that I only mentioned that she was older, married with children and lives in Virginia, she asked, “Why didn’t you tell him the other stuff?”

At the time, I shut down and changed the subject to cover up the hurt and anger that I felt. I was hurt that she was wondering why I didn’t talk about my sister more. Why would I? The guy was trying to date me, not my sister. I also felt angry that she thought that someone who is trying to date me would rather hear about her life than mine. When that situation comes up again, I will say something like, “Mom, I feel hurt when you wonder why I don’t talk to my date about my sister’s life. He is trying to get to know me, not her. It also makes me angry that you seem to think that her life is worth talking about more than mine. I feel sad when you do this and it makes me not want to talk to you about my love life.”

Try This…
This time, close your eyes, breathe deeply, relax. Put on some meditative music. Drift,?drift, drift off into the clouds…fl oat and relax. See in the horizon a white light. Let?yourself be drawn to the light. In the midst of this light is a Temple. Float toward the?center of the Temple. Let yourself sink into this experience. Let yourself open to the?sights, sounds and smells of the heavenly environment. Ask to see your guide. Have and?intention, or question you would like your guide to make clearer for you. Stay as long?as you want.
You are the source of your power. When you see yourself through the eyes of people?who want you to continue to feel “less than”, you are delaying your recovery. These are?the people who will always make you wrong, can never give or receive an apology, can?never give or receive a compliment, can never be supportive to what makes you happy.?They want you to stay unhappy and bonded through pain. “Misery does love company.”?They will tell you that you do not care about them if you do not live up to their?every demand of you. They will say you are the toxic one and never look at their own?toxicity. To stay in relationship with crazy makers is to continuously kick your wounds.?WE allow ourselves the time to mend and heal from a car accident, surgery or any?physical problem, but we do not believe our emotional and mental recovery deserves?the same time and care. An emotional trauma is as important to create time and space?as a physical injury. Give yourself the time to heal.

Imagine you are from another planet. You speak a different language. You dress differently.?You eat different foods. You have different morals and values. Write about who you?would be. Give yourself permission to completely go beyond all your boundaries and?shoulds.?Find a comfortable place to relax. Close your eyes. Breathe. Create an intention to have?a meaningful experience that will give you the guidance you are needing and wanting.?Float above your body as you breathe. See yourself below, breathing and relaxing.?Now, start to envision yourself shrinking. Become smaller and smaller until you can?place yourself in the center of your heart. Bring your consciousness into the center of?your heartbeat. Begin to travel through your inner body. Each organ. Heart, stomach,?bladder, kidney, liver, spleen etc. Do not imagine or visualize. Feel yourself sliding in?and out of each part of your inner self. Enter into each organ like they are a room in?your home. What do you feel? What do you see? Where are the edges in your body? Can?you feel them? Give each organ a color, a sound, a texture. What emotions live in each?organ room? When you discover the feeling, give each one a color and a shape.?

Happiness…color, shape?

Sadness…color, shape?

Fear…color, shape?

Joy…color, shape?

Anger…color, shape?

Jealousy…color, shape?

Love…color, shape

Client: Lately I have been in my victim big time…Everyday for the past couple of days I feel like life is taking a shit on me. I have some things going on with my family that are making me really sad and I was in a very hopeless place for awhile…I wanted to ask you a question…I feel like I have been with and in my victim…I have not been pushing her away…I have been talking to her…I’m trying to listen to her more often and figure out what she wants. I am giving room to be sad. Right now she feel like the world is unfair and she is urt by that. Every day I let her cry. Even if it’s at work. I take a minute to let her cry.

I know I need to embrace my unhappiness but how do I go from there, b/c I know for sure I’m not trying to escape my sadness…I feel like I’m fully immersed in sadness and feeling sorry for myself.

In regards to the book, *(Shadow Side of Intimate Relationships by Doug and Naomi Moseley www.intimacytraining.com)

Chapter 1
Pg 5
They give the example of the a woman who wants to be in a relationship but who doesn’t acknowledge the part of her who doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I see myself in this woman. I have neglected that part of me and it has resulted in me being alone.

Chapter 2
pg 14 – 15
They talk about people who refuse to acknowledge their darker parts and how they cannot live up to their full potential and will not be able to function well in a relationship.  They also talk about the fear in showing one’s shadow side.  I know I am not living up to my full potential and I also don’t want to acknowledge  my darker parts….There are parts of myself that hurt me to look at. I hate the parts of me that are abusive, that are willing to take abuse, that are crazy, mean, obsessive, & untrustworthy. Especially the things I have done in my past. I am afraid of getting into an intimate relationship and having my partner see these sides of me. I’m afraid of that person being disgusted by me and they won’t love me anymore…I want my partner to only see me as sweet loving, happy, positive, fun, loving, worthy of love, funny and smart…I want them to think that they do not deserve me….in order to have that I have to play up those sides of me and ignore the other.

pg 18
They describe a relationship with the good girl….That is soooo me w/my first boyfriend (I was 19) I was critical and mean because I would not fully express my anger with him until we would break up over and over again. Also they mention being angry, doing very little to initiate sex and then closing up emotionally….that is me at the end of every relationship I have ever been in.

pg 20
What would happen if I acted out my darker side…I would fear being dumped and rejected in the most hurtful way possible.

pg 22
Watching for characteristics in others that elicit strong reactions from me….I have strong reactions to my mother’s characteristics and some of those are the very things I hate about myself. I am the first to point out other people’s flaws…I do this b/c I do not want to look at my own.

The more I push away, deny and hide the worse I make it for myself. I have always wanted to be loved for me…I have always wanted someone to love me for all that I am but how could I have expected that when I never let anyone see or experience all of me in a healthy way.

Marta: Being in the victim doesn’t mean collapsing in her…it is taking care of her…nurturing her, allowing her to express and receive…the victim child always needs recognition and love from you, but she needs to express, set boundaries and ask for what she needs or find a way to get her needs taken care of and accepted for being sad…it takes time to move through the victim.. you have to have patience.  but how are you taking care of her besides feeling sorry for her and yourself…there has to be action taken..

“We must remember biblical authors were not writing history, they were creating religion…Genesis narratives deprived women of female spiritual experience”

So I was distracted for awhile analyzing everything that was wrong with C in avoidance of my truth.

I was picking her apart…hating her…and then I had a revelation…not just a brainy one but a deep one.

I realized that she makes me feel my own rejection…it is so hard to explain but I somehow felt that all the anger that kept coming up for me with her was that she constantly rejects her own sadness and I was judging that so harshly only to realize that, that is what I have been doing this whole time.

I hate her fake smile and the way she numbs out her pain..it makes feel the deepest parts of my anger. Now I fully realize that I have been doing the same thing just in a different way…the mirror effect.

I am now working on stabilizing, grounding and action…

I would soon like to begin therapy again but I decided I would benefit most when I was feeling more grounded..which is a bit of an oxymoron but makes perfect sense to me.

The more time I spend away from therapy..the more I realize how much I learned from it and benefited from it.

I was sick of being lonely and sad. I could no longer stand in the fire ..I guess I kind of gave up ..took a breather..I was sick of my depression..being so serious and beating myself up.. I needed an escape and somehow gave myself permission to go numb for a bit because the pain and self hatred got so great for me.

Now I realize that I love the deeper sad part of me…and I dont like how it feels to reject her…..it is painful. The sad part of myself is actually the more beautiful part…at least from what I have discovered thus far. She is the more real part.

Anyway…I don’t know if you minded that I checked in with you…but I just wanted to
say thanks…again….for teaching me so much…

I look forward to learning more about accepting all the parts of myself that I reject.

Here’s a poem:

My wounded heart warrior wants to be left alone in her weeping darkness.
I hit her with my judgment stick.
An invasion…a rape as I spit on all who she longs to be. Poking and prying…poking and prying

I Lunge towards my very own existence, flying through freedom kisses
landing with the running wolves

“Lost energy, lost power, lost love, lost anything is the result of denial…non-acceptance…denial is held in place with judgments and emotional control…if instead of accepting your experiences, you judge them, you lock the energy into that rigid pattern of perception.”

“Without a compensating feminine consciousness…which would accept the deeper mysteries of Fate, life becomes a losing battle against meaningless suffering. The heart breaks, overwhelmed by rage against the inevitability of loss.”

“If you get over the value judgments you can listen to what it is you need to do without getting caught in all of the social pressures about marriage or no-marriage. The true marriage is with God. The reason you form a conscious marriage on the physical plane with a partner is in order to do the work of coming to God together. That is the only reason for marrying when you’re conscious. The only reason. If you are marrying for economics, if you’re marrying for passion, if you’re marrying for convenience, if you’re marrying for sexual gratification, it will pass and there is suffering. The only marriage contract that works is what the original contract was—we enter into this contract in order to come to God. In fact that is what everything you’re doing is about.“

Client: I have been thinking about what I want to draw into my life. On a personal level, I would like to have a loving, intimate, respectful, committed relationship with a man. So far, I have only had one legitimate boyfriend and that was when I was a teenager. I would like to have an actual adult relationship with a man. I realize this means I need to be vulnerable and honest with my feelings. This has me feeling scared, because I am afraid of rejection. In past relationships, it was this fear of rejection that would always have me shut down with relationship hopefuls. As a result, the guy would then lose interest and I would mentally punish myself for not being smart enough, or pretty enough or interesting enough or sexy enough to keep his interest. But the more I think about it, once I would really start to like a guy, I would just get nervous and scared and I would clam up. Whatever I would say would be one word answers and I would start dumbing myself down by laughing at every little thing like an air head. The guy would then bail. I guess because the person I was when he met me (before I would start getting into my head about everything), just wasn’t there anymore. Either I would do that, or I would end up sleeping with the guy too prematurely. I would use sex as a way to I guess create intimacy that hadn’t even developed yet.

As I am going through this process, feeling more of my emotions, I really want to connect with a man. I do want to be in a relationship with a man where I can just be myself and tell him how I feel when I am feeling it. I am still scared of rejection. I am still scared to be vulnerable. But I am feeling more ready to give and receive love. When I feel scared of being vulnerable with a man, I feel it in the middle of my throat, like a knot. So far, I have started to talk to my friends on a more emotional level. After having the “this is what is going on in my life” catch up chit chat, I have started to actually talk about things that are bothering me on a deeper level. With the deaths of my grandmothers and even just going through this process of healing, I have been talking to L and my friend K about it. I realize that I need their support. I need their love. I need their compassion. When I say to them things like, “I’m scared, or I’m sad, or, I’m hurting”, they give me the compassion and love that I need; which makes me feel happy, less alone and validated. Now that I am really learning what it means to be intimate, and how that looks like, I would like to experience that with a man.

Commitment
ordered the shadow side book you recommended. It should get to me in a
week or so. I am interested to learn more about the shadow side and all
the dynamics it has in relationships. Right now I am feeling irritated
and hurt. I feel irritated because tonight I was supposed to talk with
my brother, but when I called his cell, it just went straight to
voicemail. I feel hurt because I feel rejected by the fact that he is
not available to talk to me on the night and time we agreed on.
However, I am trying not to be judgmental towards him about it because
I know that before I started talking to you, I would break my
commitments to people really easily without thinking about the affect
it would have on their feelings. Being on the receiving end has me
realizing how hurtful it is to not be considered or committed to.

Follow through – Response
This is a good lesson in intimacy.. Commitment is a key…  Commitment is not his top priority, but it is good that it is becoming yours.. Follow through and being fully engaged builds your adult and heals your child… holds the boundary to grow up and take responsibility for your life

“She poked at it, coveted it into her palm and flipped through the pages, randomly stopped and read, “It is like the moment depicted on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel where the hands of God and man are just about to touch, it’s just at that moment that the despair is the greatest, when you reach up, that the grace descends and you experience the knowledge or the insight or the remembrance that it all isn’t in fact the way you thought it was. If it happens too violently you decide you’ve gone insane.”