Be slow, Be in prayer, don’t rush through. Be with the quiet. The answer is in the silence. The time is not important, the amount is not important, the width and length is not important. You are important, your prayer is important, it helps the sun rise and the moon pull on the edges of waves. Your being here now, at this time and place, at this moment is important.
One inch, one step, one minute of peace to grow with. Hold hands with…a slight touch of a finger, a tap on the shoulder a hush of wind…a moment. Stop and go into the small remembrance, the small knowing that you are alive.Nothing else matters right now. Stop asking why. Stop controlling; stop thinking about what is next. It all keeps you in the past. In suffering. Receive the luxury of being with God. Receive the abundance of nothingness, the fullness of and fulfillment of quietude and simplicity. You don’t have to save the world, only yourself. Within a grain of sand is the universe, you are that grain of sand, you are that universe. You save yourself you save all that you are connected to. Even if you cannot see it or feel it…you are doing what you are here to do. Just be with yourself for now. See the clouds, watch the leaves, hear the songs of the mockingbird…. Flitter its wings….
As a child all of life was unimportant. For my parents only money and status was important. An A on a report card, a pretty dress, being voted popular….winning an award. Then you were important, loved. Life was hard as child…too many hits and blows. Death at my door. I am not worthy because I cannot love, I am not loved. I am less then nothing…Not the nothing of the Mother’s void, the nothing of empty suffering. The Silent prayer to God, on your knees, humble to the flame of Her fire meant nothing. He the King of all was nothing, just a smelly old man sitting on a throne…..Who is this God I bow to… prayer to….long for His love. I don’t know.. and I am not suppose to know… I am here only to live as long as I am meant to live. I am afraid of not knowing and yet, I now need to surrender in order to feel a miniscule of joy.This belly feeling, this warmth, is tight then hot…let go, let in…..feel tight, feel open. Where am I going? I once knew and now I don’t. I love to write to the not knowing. To the sun that falls across a person’s sunbathed back. To the smell of salt in the between the ocean’s breeze. My father’s green eyes, my mother’s slanted nose, My sister’s dark penciled eyes and loud laugh. Beyond their fear, anger and rage… They were all universally beautiful yet darkly human and flawed. I hated and loved them…..and now I am alone to learn, to remember to know my mortality amidst immortality. Eternal love is beyond my knowing, yet I feel it in the scent of honey or in the deepest purple lilac….that is where eternity lives. I wait, like Moses, on my knees to receive God. I wait, and wait for my heart to blast open…. I wait…because I don’t know. I have only loved conditionally. What can you do for me God? Giving me life was not enough. I want more…..more of what?
